"Honest Hearts Produce Honest Actions." -Brigham Young

I haven't always been honest with myself and my own heart. I think it's a struggle I have been in battle with since my birth. I have struggled with letting my true self surface and accomplish things I am suppose to. Whenever I feel it coming out I feel the fear overpower if I don't feel completely safe in my surroundings. It limits me in many ways, and inhibits my chances at experiencing great things. Having an honest heart leads to many things, and so does lacking honesty at heart. It isn't only a good idea, it has been urged of us by the prophet and told that...

"The Lord requires his people to be honest. May we desire with all our hearts to be honest in all our relationships and in all the things that we do. God will help us if we seek the strength that comes from him. Sweet then will be our peace of mind and our lives. Blessed will be those with whom we live and associate. And God will bless and guide us with his loving care.

Each lie, each deception, each act of dishonesty combines to create a monster that can destroy your character and your life." Howard W. Hunter “Be Honest with Yourself,” New Era, Jul 2003, 36

I am really bad at defining things, but of course we all know what honesty is right? Not taking a dollar or ten dollars from your mom's purse. Not taking a soda from the store without paying for it. Not tell a lie, or purposefully deceiving another person. But what about being true and honest to ourselves? Or honest in every inch of what we do and how we treat others? I looked up honesty to find...

The concept of honesty applies to all behaviors. One cannot refuse to consider factual information, for example, and still claim that one's knowledge, belief, or position is an attempt to be truthful or is held in "good faith." Such willful blindness is clearly a product of one's desires and simply has nothing to do with the human ability to know. Basing one's positions on what one wants — rather than unbiased evidence gathering — is dishonest even when good intentions can be cited — after all even villains could cite good intentions and intended glory for a select group of people. Clearly then, an unbiased approach to the truth is a requirement of honesty. Wikipedia®

I believe it does apply to ALL behaviors, and that was something very hard for me to comprehend. It could be that honesty is one of the first principles we learn as children, and becomes basic to us that we forget how really important it is.

"Some may regard the quality of character known as honesty to be a most ordinary subject. But I believe it to be the very essence of the gospel. Without honesty, our lives and the fabric of our society will disintegrate into ugliness and chaos."-President Gordon B. Hinckley“We Believe in Being Honest,” Ensign, Oct 1990, 2

So basically without honesty we would fall into an ugly pit of chaos and confusion. I don't doubt that for a minute.

In Alma 27:27 the Anti-Nephi-Lehi's are being led by Ammon and upon arriving to the land of Jershon they change their name to the people of Ammon. It says in verse 27-And they were among the people of Nephi, and also numbered among the people who were of the church of God. And they were also distinguished for their zeal towards God, and also towards men; for they were perfectly honest and upright in all things; and they were firm in the faith of Christ, even unto the end.

How would in be to be perfectly honest? I have yet to find out, but I found it interesting that directly after it mentions that they were firm in the faith of Christ...I'm guessing that may have something to do with being honest at heart..... :)

"Becoming people of integrity and honesty does not occur quickly or all at once, nor is it merely a matter of greater personal discipline. It is a change of disposition, a change of heart.

Remember that becoming people of integrity and honesty is not simply a matter of more personal determination, more grit, and more willpower; rather, it is accomplished through the enabling power of the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ." -David A. Bednar, “Be Honest,” New Era, Oct 2005, 4

In Alma it's talks about a change of heart through the Atonement. Chapter 5 Alma addresses the people in Zarahemla and asks them some pretty thought provoking questions...well they got me thinkin'!

"The principle of honesty is a close relation to that of integrity. Our thirteenth article of faith begins with the statement “We believe in being honest.” [A of F 1:13] We do not believe in honesty merely as a matter of policy. Honesty is a principle of salvation in the kingdom of God."-Elder David A. Bednar

We cannot become honest individuals without the Atonement of Christ and without the willingness to experience a change of heart. I know that they go hand in hand. By understanding the Atonement better, I will become a more honest and pure person, and by striving to be more truthful and honest with myself and to myself I will then in turn have a better understanding of the Atonement and the love that Christ and my Heavenly Father have for me.

"CONFIDENCE COMES NOT FROM ALWAYS BEING RIGHT, BUT FROM NOT FEARING TO BE WRONG."

C O N F I D E N C E V S. P R I D E
Sometimes I have the hardest time distinguishing between the two. Where can I draw the line? How can I tell the difference? Pride can be so easily mistaken for confidence. This has been a question in my mind for some time.

I have always lacked in the area of confidence. Not just in self-confidence, but in confidence in others around me, and yes sometimes even in my Heavenly Father. However, I easily fall into the pride area, and find myself making excuses or masking the pride as confidence.

Heber C. Kimball, while serving as a counselor to President Brigham Young, reported: “I will give you a key which Brother Joseph Smith used to give in Nauvoo. He said that the very step of apostasy commenced with losing confidence in the leaders of this church and kingdom, and that whenever you discerned that spirit you might know that it would lead the possessor of it on the road to apostasy.”

Interesting no? That with a lack of confidence in leaders of the church it can lead us to apostasy. Since we know that the church of Jesus Christ as a whole (after being restored for the last time by Joseph Smith) will never fall into apostasy again. It only helps me to see that with the personal lack of confidence we can still experience a personal apostasy and become almost as if we were blind. We won't recognize truth. With that also will most definitely come pride in our hearts.

When I looked up pride in the dictionary what caught my eye the most were the synonyms and antonyms....check it out...—Synonyms 1. Pride, conceit, self-esteem, egotism, vanity, vainglory imply an unduly favorable idea of one's own appearance, advantages, achievements, etc., and often apply to offensive characteristics. Pride is a lofty and often arrogant assumption of superiority in some respect: Pride must have a fall. Conceit implies an exaggerated estimate of one's own abilities or attainments, together with pride: blinded by conceit. Self-esteem may imply an estimate of oneself that is higher than that held by others: a ridiculous self-esteem. Egotism implies an excessive preoccupation with oneself or with one's own concerns, usually but not always accompanied by pride or conceit: His egotism blinded him to others' difficulties. Vanity implies self-admiration and an excessive desire to be admired by others: His vanity was easily flattered. Vainglory, somewhat literary, implies an inordinate and therefore empty or unjustified pride: puffed up by vainglory. 5. boast.
—Antonyms 1. humility.

Is that bold enough? Humility is the only noted antonym which to me tied a lot of things together.

When confidence is restored, when pride shall fall, and every aspiring mind be clothed with humility as with a garment, and selfishness give place to benevolence and charity, and a united determination to live by every word which proceedeth out of the mouth of the Lord is observable, then, and not till then, can peace, order and love prevail.

It isn't completely clear to me yet, differences yet, but I try to focus on the most christ-like people I have known, that also seem confident. They must be doing something right....right?

Meet my neices...Kaedyn, Haley, Samantha, and Gracie. These four girls pretty much define both confidence, and humility, innocence, and purity all in one.

They are constanly showing me how to be more christ-like just through the way they are naturally and almost without any effort. That is why I try to spend all the time I can with them. Yes, even if it means always sitting at the kiddie table to eat.

In comparing myself to these four spiritual giants, Mosiah 3:19&21.

19-For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever. unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

21-and behold when that time cometh, none shall be found blameless before God, except it be little children, ONLY through repentance and faith on the name of the Lord God Omnipotent.

My next example is a woman named Maria Ruiz. She lived in Palermo (my first area in the mission field). Maria was raising her children her grand children and three great grand children. They all lived in one room (9 total). Every moment I spent with Maria I felt her unwavering confidence in Heavenly Father and it radiated from every part of her. I saw the look in her eyes, she didn't doubt any trial she had ever been given, she accpeted it, and leaned on the Lord for understanding and help. Her testimony fed mine.

In every area really I found heros, and their confidence and faith carried me during the hardest days.

Gordon B. Hinckley is confidence with a cane! When President Hinckley died I remember feeling a deep sadness, but also a greater hope. Everyone remembers his favorite line, "don't worry everything will work out." Hearing that line whenever he would say it installed a strong insurrmountable hope within me.

My mom is undoubtedly a source of confidence when I feel I am failing, or have lost hope. She has rescued me by helping me to see things in a completely different light.
Many of my companions and others I had the priviledge to serve with were prime examples of confidence. Hermana Mirando made me set a goal to "saltar confiando" which means JUMP WITH FAITH. She taught me to jump even when I wasn't ready...she held my hand the whole way.

I would be dumb not to mention my bestfriend Meg. She pretty much paved has always in a way prepared me. She has always been the confident one (sometimes yes with more pride than is good for her), but I always followed her when I fell short. I don't think I would have had the courage enough to go on a mission without her example of confidence in Heavenly Father and the plan prepared for us.

The purest example of confidence and faith is CHRIST. I guess I always can shed off all of my pride and strive to find confidence when I think of the hope christ has for all of us. To think of the hope, and confidence he had in us that was sufficient enough to lead him to sacrifice his life for us knowing some of us might not accept his offer. I love my savior and I know that he died for us, and that he lives with perfect confidence in our potential as kings and queens.

If I have lost confidence in myself, I have the universe against me.

“Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.”

"Patience is not indifference. Actually, it is caring very much, but being willing, nevertheless, to submit both to the Lord and to what the scriptures call the “process of time.”
Patience is tied very closely to faith in our Heavenly Father. Actually, when we are unduly impatient, we are suggesting that we know what is best—better than does God. Or, at least, we are asserting that our timetable is better than his. Either way we are questioning the reality of God’s omniscience..." Elder Neal A. Maxwell (ensign October 1980)

When all is said and done, I think I will wonder why I couldn't have been more patient, more hopeful, and more faithful in the love and awarness that Heavenly Father has for me.

Recently I have been recieving blessing after blessing, and I think back to just a little while ago when I was struggling so much in what I was doing, doubting if Heavenly Father really was listening to my heart and knew the pain I was feeling. I doubted whether or not prayer was really necessary or even worth it. Now, I see these blessings and I am not sure why or even if I deserve them.

I knew I needed to stay here for the summer and not move back home, but why? I wondered over and over again. It was the last thing I wanted to do, but I kept pretending like it was what I wanted to avoid the sadness of not being able to be there every second close to my family.

After being ever so patient (haha, feeling like giving up every second, doubting and wondering why I actually stayed :)) I finally see. I understand, as much as I can at this point.

In a talk given by Elder Maxwell called The Precious Promise (ensign April, 2004) I found this statement...

“Tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope” (Rom. 5:3–4), and hope brings more of the love of God. If you and I will meekly submit to “our light affliction,” whatever it is, this will lead later to a far greater “weight of glory” (2 Cor. 4:17).

I know this is true more than ever now. I have seen so many miracles happen in my very own family in just this past week.

Saturday afternoon I was attended the baptism of my niece Haley. She is nothing less than a spiritual giant, and has a great responsibility due to her great knowledge of the gospel already. Just by being around this incredible eight year old you feel her spirit radiate the truth that she knows, and doesn't doubt. Her testimony will carry her and I'm sure many other around her throughout her entire life. How lucky I was to be able to witness her make that covenant with her Heavenly Father and be sealed his.

Sunday my sister Amber was asked by a lady who years ago was her young womens president to substitute for her in primary. Apparently my sister agreed, which almost made me choke on the grapes I was eating when I initially heard the news. When my mom told me it was hard to swallow the lump in my throat and pretend I didn't have goosebumps that covered every inch of my skin. She came on Sunday. I won't ever forget it.

Monday was a little hectic and the doubt started creeping in. HOW EASILY WE FORGET. I was busy rushing stephen to his physical therapy appointment and his mom back home from spending a night in the hospital for high blood pressure. I walked in to the front door to help his mom in only to find Johnathon on the floor breathing heavily and trying to tell us that he had taken all of his medication. This is the fifth time according to his mom that he has tried to commit suicide, but the first since he was released from prison in March. He was incarcerated for 7 1/2 years. We called 911 and he is still in the hospital recovering. I realized that it was such a blessing that I was able to serve this family, and be a support even when I was reluctant in the beginning.

After that whole situation I wasn't in the mood really to go to Family Home Evening. I went anyway for some reason I really can't identify. Five minutes or so after I arrived Mary (my roommate) called me into another room and asked if I would serve with her on the Relief Society Presidency. My mouth dropped open, and I just stared at her. I have been noticing her kneeling many times at the edge or her bed, and I know she has been trying to magnify her calling and also to choose counselors to help her. Could I doubt the answer she recieved to ask me? I let her know that I had never had a calling other than being a missionary, because I was inactive for so long before the mission. She told me that it was up to me, but she felt strongly to ask me. I have been wanting to serve and praying for opporunities for so long, how could I turn down such an amazing chance to serve? I just shook my head....in affirmation that is.

This summer has not even really begun (not only because it's the first week of June, but also because it is RAINING) and I have already begun to see the big picture. All I had to do was wait, but wait with patience I'm sure is more deserving of blessings.

"If left untried, those qualities, which are portable and eternal, would remain underdeveloped. There’s something about the isometrics that are involved when we’re putting off the natural man or the natural woman while striving to become the man or the woman of Christ. These isometrics are a blessing in disguise, though I grant you sometimes the blessing is well disguised.
As striving disciples, therefore, are we willing to be so mentored? Tutoringly, the Lord has said, “Ye cannot bear all things now; … I will lead you along” (D&C 78:18). He knows our bearing capacities. Though we ourselves may feel pushed to the breaking point, ere long, thanks to Him, these once-daunting challenges become receding milestones." Elder Maxwell (ensign April, 2004)

...Continued...

We read in Mosiah about how the Lord simultaneously tries the patience of his people even as he tries their faith (see Mosiah 23:21). One is not only to endure—but to endure well and gracefully those things which the Lord “seeth fit to inflict upon [us]” (Mosiah 3:19), just as did a group of ancient American Saints who were beating unusual burdens but who submitted “cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord” (Mosiah 24:15).
Paul, speaking to the Hebrews, brings us up short by writing that even after faithful disciples have “done the will of God, … ye have need of patience” (Heb. 10:36). How many times have good individuals done the right thing only to break, or wear away, under the subsequent stress, canceling out much of the value of what they have already so painstakingly done?
Sometimes that which we are doing is correct enough but simply needs to be persisted in—patiently—not for a minute or a moment but sometimes for years. Paul speaks of the marathon of life and how we must “run with patience the race that is set before us” (Heb. 12:1). Paul did not select the hundred-yard dash for his analogy!
The Lord has twice said: “And seek the face of the Lord always, that in patience ye may possess your souls, and ye shall have eternal life” (D&C 101:38, italics added; see also Luke 21:19). Could it be that only when our self-control has become total do we come into true possession of our own souls?
Patience is not only a companion of faith but is also a friend to free agency. Inside our impatience there is sometimes an ugly reality: We are plainly irritated and inconvenienced by the need to make allowances for the free agency of others. In our impatience, which is not the same thing as divine discontent, we would override others, even though it is obvious that our individual differences and preferences are so irretrievably enmeshed with each other that the only resolution which preserves free agency is for us to be patient and long-suffering with each other.
The passage of time is not, by itself, an automatic cure for bad choices. But often individuals, like the prodigal son, can “in process of time” come to their senses. The touching reunion of Jacob and Esau in the desert—so many years after their youthful rivalry, is a classic example of how generosity can replace animosity when truth is mixed with time (see Gen. 33).
When we are unduly impatient, however, we are, in effect, trying to hasten an outcome when acceleration would abuse agency. Enoch, brilliant, submissive, and spiritual, knew what it meant to see a whole city-culture advance in “process of time.” He could tell us so much about so many things, including patience.
Patience makes possible a personal spiritual symmetry which arises only from prolonged obedience within free agency!
There is also a dimension of patience which links it to a special reverence for life. Patience is a willingness, in a sense, to watch the unfolding purposes of God with a sense of wonder and awe—rather than pacing up and down within the cell of our circumstance.
Too much anxious opening of the oven door and the cake falls instead of rising! So it is with us. If we are always selfishly taking our temperature to see if we are happy, we won’t be.
When we are impatient, we are neither reverential nor reflective because we are too self-centered. Whereas faith and patience are companions, so are selfishness and impatience.
It is so easy to be confrontive without being informative; indignant without being intelligent; impulsive without being insightful! It is so easy to command others when we are not in control of ourselves.
I remember as a child going eagerly to the corner store for what we then called the “all-day sucker.” It would not have lasted all day under the best of usage, but it could last quite awhile. The trick was to resist the temptation to bite into it, to learn to savor rather than to crunch and chew. The same savoring was needed with a precious square of a milk chocolate bar. Make the treat last; especially in depression times!
In life, however, even patiently stretching out sweetness is sometimes not enough; in certain situations, enjoyment must actually be deferred. A patient willingness to defer dividends is a hallmark of individual maturity. It is, parenthetically, a hallmark of free nations that their citizens can discipline themselves today for a better tomorrow. Yet America is in trouble (as are other nations) because patient persistence in a wise course of public policy now appears to be so difficult to attain. Too many impatient politicians buy today’s votes with tomorrow’s inflation. But back to the personal relevance of patience, which, among many things, permits us to deal more effectively with the unevenness of life’s experiences.

I love this particular part of his discourse because it tells things in such detail and in phrases that really penetrate the desire to ponder on and evaluate my level of tolerance and patience daily.

It humbled me, but instead of summarizing my thoughts and feelings I will let it speak for itself.

I will leave here my testimony that I know patience is a divine quality that is perfectly possessed by our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I know that it would only help us in the worthy process of progression to become every day more and more like them. I know the book of mormon and the bible will give us further knowledge and help us to develop faith in the things that are to come to us through patience in Heavenly Father. Iknow christ lives and is ever so patient with me.